April 1st, 2021

Someone very close to me recently told me I am very self-destructive and that my self-destructiveness made them very upset because they love me and they don’t want to see me hurt.

I am not sure what to do with that.

I feel like I have always been that way, not believing in myself, setting unrealistically high standards, belittling myself and diminishing my struggles and accomplishments. Something that should be fairly easy to complete all the sudden becomes a mountain I have to climb with seemingly no equipment. The task isn’t hard, my brain is just on fire and doesn’t know what to do.

Mental illness is sneaky like that.

I can’t say I remember the first time I was anxious or the beginnings of my chronic anxiety but needless to say it has been a pervasive force for my entire adult life. It comes as paralysis, inaction, frustration, fatigue, irritability, tears, and an inability to socialize. All this coupled with the fact that I don’t really like myself that much lately makes me not want to do anything for fear of failure or sounding dumb or sounding angry or overthinking.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.”

“I shouldn’t post this.”

“I can’t write right now I have nothing good to say.”

It is a firestorm in my brain I cannot put out and I am suffocating. Even as I type this the storm rages on telling me it is dumb to post online and I should save it for a journal or a therapist. But I know myself and I know if I keep things bottled up then I tend to spiral out of control.

Today I don’t want to feel this way. I want to feel better, or at least try to feel better. Other days I feel a sense of hopelessness that I will never get better and this will be my brain forever, a mess that gets nothing done and freaks out at the smallest things. Some days I am numb. Neither anxious nor depressed nor happy nor hopeful. I just exist and try to get through the day.

Back in December I wanted to try something out. I was coming out of a pretty big bout of seasonal depression and was riding the “New Year, New Me” high. I wanted to start a sort of confidence project initiative on myself. I would focus on doing things to take care of myself, and try improving my mental, physical, academic, financial and social health. It was a great idea, but as the semester started I realized rather quickly I was not ready for all that. I had to take each day as it came and focus on finishing school.

I notice I do this a lot. I put my wellbeing on the back burner and try to dive headfirst into school work even though I know it isn’t sustainable. I need to find a balance, my future career kinda depends on it. If I never find that balance I will never feel successful no matter what I accomplish. I need to start trying to be better.

People keep telling me I am almost there. That feels more true than ever now, one month away from graduation. I keep getting the “save the date” emails about our virtual commencement. “Graduating Class of 2021”. I have to make it. I have to finish, if for nothing else just so I can have a break from it all and reset my mind. Maybe then I will be able to focus on other things and not feel guilty for doing so.

This was a lot of word vomit but seeing as I am on a 3 week waiting list to see a therapist I need some sort of outlet.

Writing used to be my safe space, maybe it can be again.